Sleep Deprivation

So I worked through my 30th Birthday and made some really crucial discoveries. I really love my job but I hope I can get away from doing as many night shifts soon.

Boy am I ever tired today. Not just tired...exhausted. I have no ambition whatsoever. I am too restless to sleep but too tired to do too much. I get so screwed up and sleep deprived that I start continuous munching or not eating properly. I think that I subconsciously believe that it will wake me up and make me feel better. Food is a source of comfort for a lot of people. I used eating to deal with depression, anxiety and stress in my life. Now I primarily deal with it when I feel tired. I am happy to say that I have never been hung over but from what I've been told I think what I feel after I work my night shifts is pretty similar! It's the same as jet lag. I've been reading a little bit about circadian rhythms and how our own body's time clock works. I'm seeing more and more that what shift workers do to themselves is really horrible. This will be even more challenging for me if I train towards a competitive event. I know God has His hand in this so He'll help me deal with everything that comes my way. There's a possibility I could be doing less night shifts as the fall approaches anyway.

Gotta get up and get out of this slump! Gotta literally FORCE myself to move or I won't do anything today! I'm thinking about the song by Thousand Foot Krutch "Move". It's the song I would use for a bodybuilding routine if I ever decided to go all out!

Move and show me what you can do
When you step into the circle and shake like we do
Move when you just can't take it
And move if you just feel like breaking it

Turning 30....a new era!

So, three days until my 30th Birthday, and I'm SO excited! Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but truth be told, I honestly never thought I would actually live to be 30. Since I joined Simply for Life last year, I really feel like I am finally gaining the life I always aspired to have. My weight loss was what motivated me to be able to face my fears. I now think about myself and how unhealthy I was and I feel this incredible freedom! I pray I live a long full life now. Thirty is only the beginning!

Had my last appointment at Simply For Life...at least for the time being. Not really the best of visits. I had gained a bit from eating unhealthy this past week. One of the coolest things about SFL is that I now really know my body and how to listen to what your body needs. I struggle, but I'm still learning more about what my body needs with training and what foods and emotions trigger me to binge or just eat unhealthy. I'm really going to know my body WELL by the time I get ready to do a show!

Feeling my muscles again today. My legs...especially my right one, are sore and I could barely walk up the stairs to work today. Plus I am a little bloated from the weight gain. I still made myself walk the stairs. Walked up and down several floors over the course of the day. I refuse to take the elevator anymore. I feel so great, even with this soreness. It's a good feeling...knowing the muscles are growing. I just wish I could see my abs. I can feel 'em though! That's something I guess!

Confused

One of the major things I've been learning about my life is that it's okay to be confused.

I'm excited about the idea of training and I'm so happy with how my life has changed for the better. There are still SO many issues and thoughts I have difficulties sorting through. I've been dealing with a lot of confusion in the past couple weeks. Anxiety about my relationships and anxieties about training, not being able to get my body to do what is necessary to be able to compete. I still struggle with food becoming my crutch...especially when I'm overtired as I am tonight. I REALLY dread working my night shifts...not because of the shifts themselves, but the fact that it takes me a couple days to fully recover. It's like weekly jet lag...only without the trip! I become an emotional basketcase when I'm overtired! I worked Saturday overnight and I still feel like crap today.

I need to keep reminding myself that God is in complete control over EVERYTHING!!!! He is going to be there in the physical changes that occur in my body with training. There are SO many directions that my life could take right now! When we put God first in our lives, everything eventually comes together. He knows exactly where my path is headed even if I have absolutely no clue! I therefore praise God for my confusion and uncertainty, because it means the potential possibilities for my life are limitless!

Now, something REALLY EXCITING...it's exactly one week until my 30th Birthday! I'm actually bursting with anticipation!! Unfortunately I have to work night shifts so I will spend my whole big day sleeping! Therefore, I am going to need something EXTRA EXCITING to do to celebrate!! I'm going to need suggestions.

I've been thinking about making "The List". You know the lists people make of the things people want to be able to do before they die or turn a certain age? They always seemed a little corny to me, but I have all these new things I think I want to do that I couldn't do before. Hmmmm....we'll see.

Reflections of an overtired nurse!

I haven't been feeling all that well, but I am feeling MUCH better tonight. Strangely enough, going to the gym in the afternoon was therapeutic for me. I find now I feel almost worse if I don't get out and train on a regular basis. I just know I have to go easier and not push myself TOO hard when I'm tired or sick.

I'm up late tonight to prepare for my three night shifts...sigh. Night shifts are particularly rough for me to get my body switched around to doing. The biggest challenges are getting adequate sleep and eating right. One of the few drawbacks to being a nurse in my opinion. I know people who love working overnight...not me anymore!

Been thinking about how my life has changed so dramatically. I am now so much more confident in who I am as a person and I don't shy away from taking action. My 30th Birthday is fast approaching and I can't wait! I joke about getting old sometimes but honestly I feel younger now than I have in years! Physically, that is. Mentally...well...I just hope I don't get too much more forgetful. I think I'm just juggling a lot of stuff in my head. That's my excuse anyway!

I think I've stayed up late enough!

Hungry

Having a rough couple days. I feel FAMISHED, but I'm not sure how much of it is hunger for food because of my training and how much is hunger for the God who wants me to grow closer to Him. I have also been getting caught up in my anxieties and I lapse into the old coping mechanisms. Sometimes I start eating and can't stop. My friend/trainer likens it to a switch that gets turned on and you can't turn it off. It's very common, but a disturbing feeling for me. I still have this very real fear of going back to who I once was, over 100 lbs ago. Food can feel like a great source of safety and comfort, but where's the real love, companionship and lasting happiness? Bad food choices often make us sick and they eventually lead to really serious health problems!

God's timing is perfect. This afternoon, when I was completely frustrated, He gave me something really amazing and I'm confident I'll be back on track again! What I love about doing this blog is that it keeps me honest and humble, and I hope that it will be a motivation to those who read it. I pray that God uses this blog in a powerful way.

God Moments...

I had an AMAZING night. God spoke to me and is continuing to speak to me. I can barely make sense of it all. It is such an awesome thing to have a God who knows exactly what we need. There's so much that I could type but it just wouldn't do justice to how I feel right now. The greatest challenge, not just in training, but in life, is to keep on the path that God has set out for me. I know that God has some amazing plans for my life. I need only fix my eyes on the Author and Finisher of the life I lead. I want to be continually Holy Spirit filled and used by God to accomplish His will in my life.

I have been struggling with healthy eating for awhile now. Even though I have lost weight, the unhealthy food addiction is still a struggle. What had finally got through to my head now is that if God's plan for me is bodybuilding and keeping my body pure, eating unhealthy and abusing my body is in complete contradiction to following His will. I'm not really living if I allow food to run my life.

This song is going to be my anthem as I continue to follow God's will for my life!

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

("The Motions" - by Matthew West)

It's been an amazing week. I've done so much!

I've had some challenges in priorities lately. I've been asked to attend a few different things that I have had to turn down. I realize now that God is helping me be more consistent and to stay true to the things I've committed to, especially if they are things that help me grow in my faith or are areas where I will be serving others because of my love for Him.

Last weekend I went on a road trip with a couple friends of mine and I have to say, the best part of it was the driving and spending time with the girls! It is so great to spend time with Christian friends who share common interests and share the love for God that we do! I can't even begin to write all that I've learned from my vacation.

On our road trip we listened to podcasts of Aaron Stern (preacher at The Mill church in Colorado Springs), who spoke on relationships. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!! The message reminded me that I am a woman of worth...worth dying for. Worth waiting for a man of integrity who is becoming more and more like the God he serves. I won't settle for anything less!I just went to a Women Who Worship conference yesterday. Speakers Rebecca St. James and Gloria Gaither each reinforced truth of how God sees us as women of worth and beauty...just as we are.

I've been single all of my life and it's a little embarrassing to admit that I've never even really dated anyone before. Never had the confidence and I always hid behind my weight and other issues that caused me to use food as a crutch. Now for the first time in my life I feel truly ready for whatever and wherever God leads me. I shouldn't really be embarrassed by my lack of experience on the dating scene. If anything, it makes me feel more pure. I've grown so much in the past year or so. I've still got so far to go but God is continually shaping me into the woman I need to become! It's such a scary but exciting process! BRING IT ON!!!!