Hunger for Him

I think one of the coolest yet humbling things is that we as humans are so far from perfect yet God loves us! I am so sad that I haven't been spending time with Him lately and I'm really feeling it. We went to a women's brunch today at church and God convicted me. He is faithful and knows exactly what we need when we need it. God has truly blessed my life and I've just taken all He's done for me on my life's journey for granted. I'm generally happy with where my life is going. I have a job I love. I have some great Christian friends. God has also blessed me with a wonderful boyfriend. However, I have been struggling with night snacking again lately. I focus on the food part, but the interesting thing I've realized is that I'm not hungry at all. It might sound strange at first but my "hunger" is for something deeper. What I'm REALLY longing for is spending time with the One who is the closest and truest Friend I could ever wish for. God is the One who truly satisfies. He loves us and wants to use us just as we are. I think that's why I feel led to write this particular blog today.

So this is not the happiest of moments for me. I'm SO frustrated and disgusted today. I found out there's a year waiting list to even see the plastic surgeon for a possible abdominoplasty. I just feel like I've done so well with myself and this is the final component. I'm not very patient at all. I've done so much work on myself that I'm frustrated that I still have problems with my skin. I would even just like to know how much I can correct on my own without surgery but I have to wait a freakin' year to find out!

I want to eat healthy and exercise but I've been at a plateau for so long and all the toning has done nothing for the loose skin even though I feel so much healthier and am in the best shape of my life! I feel like I have hit a brick wall!

I'm actually wondering how many people read my blog because I am looking for some suggestions!

Music

Feeling great tonight! Tired but great! I'm becoming more conscious of what and why I'm eating...especially in the evening. When I'm tired I tend to want to eat more to keep myself awake for some reason! I'm not even hungry. Funny how different emotions and senses are associated with food! Anyway, my first day back on track went very well!

There are so many other things I could be doing in the evening besides eating. Right at this moment singing isn't one of them even though I love to sing! My voice is starting to feel hoarse! I've been singing like crazy this past week! Music is one of the things in my life that gives me great joy. What an amazing means of worshiping our Creator and also expressing myself! It's also something that I think I have become better at in the last year or so because my confidence level has increased so much. I have the opportunity to sing a solo in a couple weeks. It makes me both excited and nervous.

Starting Over

AHHHH!!!! I have not been consistently writing in this blog. I've had some absolutely wonderful things happen in my life since the last blog, yet unfortunately I've become a little complacent. I started having problems coping with stress. I was overwhelmed. I'm kinda disappointed in myself that I've gained a bit of weight back. I have this very real fear of gaining back all the weight I lost.

I can't let food be in control of my life anymore. Why do I use food for comfort? It cannot take away our fears and stress. God alone can satisfy. So I have to stop and really think about what is causing this stress and just DEAL WITH IT ALREADY! I have some other great coping mechanisms. Exercise is great! I love music! I'll have to write about that more tomorrow night because I have SO much to share. Writing to work through my stress is probably the best and actually my favourite method of coping.

I have been thinking a lot lately about some of the differences in who I am now vs who I used to be. A lot of people from my high school wouldn't necessarily recognize me now...not merely because of my physical appearance. I'm quite social and outgoing...and sometimes a little silly compared to the introverted studious girl that never stood up for herself. I'm at another crossroads in my life again...for many reasons. Many changes too numerous to go into tonight! Most notably for this blog is that I am changing my health focus now. After about 9 months of intense training, I'm now shifting (at least for now) towards eating healthier again and possibly plastic surgery to remove some of the loose skin remaining even after exercising.

This is my new beginning...I CHALLENGE MYSELF! I have to pick myself up and start again...realizing I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. I want to lose a little more weight...but most importantly I want to live healthy as I had been, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to be the best woman of God that I can and shake off the chains that hold me back. I hope I can use this blog regularly again for accountability.

Galatians 5:1: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Never Alone

(I realized I never finished this entry but I'll post it anyway. It appears as the initial date written. It was a reflection of my life and God's awesome will)

Most of the time, our thoughts and dreams are not consistent with reality. The ambitions we may have had change over time as we change and as God shapes us into stronger men and women of God. I find it so amazing how God can have a sense of humour! How often has he used things I said I would NEVER be involved with and they end up being the best part of my life as I grow as a Christian.

Soulfest and soul searching

I had an amazing trip to Guilford, NH for a Christian event: "Soulfest 2008". It's a yearly event and thousands of people attend this festival. The whole concept of believers from all ages, races, denominations coming together worshiping the Lord so excites me it gives me shivers. There were concerts on FIVE different stages as well as workshops and activities! It was cool to see Pillar and Skillet live for the first time ever. I never used to be interested in the heavy rockin' stuff, but now I train at the gym to Skillet's stuff and their words speak to me. I was sleep deprived camping in a tent in the rain on the side of a ski slope, but I didn't even care. I was so energized by everything...not just the concerts!

This year's theme of Soulfest was "True Love". This past weekend I asked God to speak to me in whatever way He wanted. He convicted me that if He's really my true love then why am I not longing to spend time getting to know Him better. I have made the time to get up early and go to the gym and part of that plan was to incorporate my time with God and worship into that. Unfortunately it hasn't happened to the extent I wanted it to. This week I'm on vacation and hoping to take this opportunity to grow in Him.

It was suggested to me that I read Proverbs 31. I am not sure I've ever TRULY read that chapter of Proverbs. I have read it several times now and am both moved and empowered to read of the woman who truly follows God. She is a strong, responsible and diligent worker, worthy of honour and respect. She also respects her husband and his leadership role and he in turn shows his confidence and respect for her. I'm becoming so much more confident in who I am as a woman of God and this is the kind of woman I aspire to become.

WOW! Has it been a whole month since I last wrote in this blog? I guess I'd better get my butt in gear again!

I want to start by saying there's been some pretty rough things happening lately with my cousin in the hospital. I just want to take the opportunity to say that my prayers are with Will and his family!

I still struggle at times with my eating habits. I just find it strange that I love to eat healthy but sometimes I even get carried away with eating healthy stuff too and I'm really bad at the night snacking! I'm feeling okay right now health wise. I have a new trainer at the gym now. He's good. Doesn't push me quite as hard as my friend did...not yet anyway! I realize I push myself pretty hard anyway. I am excited though because I'm getting some new stuff for abdominal work! The core is the one place I think we all struggle with...where all the fat just seems to linger no matter how big or small we are! I had a lot of weight around my belly when I was 300 lbs and it was a scary place to be. I'm so much better now, but it still concerns me that the weight I do have is all around that middle which is the more dangerous area to have it. I worry about Mom too because that's where she tends to keep her weight.

I'm trying not to get distracted and keep focused on God as my centre...a continual challenge. Just excited to see the direction God has for me, whether it be in my body/mind/spirit, my work, and my relationships. I really feel that He's been putting some interesting twists in each of these right now!:-)

I'm officially on vacation from work right now! YAY!!! I am being honest when I say I LOVE the job God has blessed me with as a Geriatric rehab nurse, but I am so looking forward to my time away. Will I be able to STAY away is the real challenge!

Godliness and Vanity

I'm going to visit my best friend next week and she told me to remember my swimsuit. I decided to try on my swimsuit tonight. For the first time in my life I didn't feel ugly and self conscious when I looked at myself in the mirror. I thought, "WOW! I look pretty darned good!!!"

I'm definitely no beauty queen by the world's standards, but I realized how far I have come from February 2007. I still have a drooping belly which is slowly starting to lift as more of the fat is burned and replaced with muscle. My arms have some flab, but nothing that would indicate such significant weight loss. My legs are firm enough now that I can hardly pinch anything.

I was reminded of a comment from a friend of mine. Vanity can sometimes slip in when people are bodybuilding. For me, this is NOT about vanity and if it becomes about vanity then I am done with bodybuilding. I'm so happy when I'm living healthy physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually. I'm fascinated with how God has created us and how the human body can be transformed so dramatically. Keeping my eyes fixed on Christ and His love for me as a person, I can then treat my body as He wants me to treat it. My food addiction begins to fade away as I seek Him. In all things, I want to live a life that is God-centered and not me-centered. Isn't that what true beauty should be?

Freedom

To write everything that has happened since my last blog, I would be writing a novel I think!

Perhaps one of the most significant things that has happened has been that, due to unrelated but very unfortunate circumstances, my trainer is no longer my trainer. I've been sad because I feel like I've lost my friend as well as my trainer. However, it has forced me to truly look at what I do as a bodybuilder and the motivation behind it. I realized when I lose sight of my focus, food starts to replace my relationship with God. I'm motivated at the gym, but it's sometimes more perfunctory than spiritual. I think stress over the idea of doing a bodybuilding show is getting to me. I get really competitive with training, then I sabotage myself sometimes by binging. I realize what I really want is to keep God as my focus. My body is God's temple and I've been treating this temple like a piece of trash the last few weeks. I decided to shift my focus away from doing a show in November because my training is not about showing off my body, but about allowing God to work through me and sculpt my body into the best and healthiest it can be. It's not about me, my trainer or the show; I'm bodybuilding for God.

Galatians 5:1 states: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." I know God has set me free from these chains, yet I turn back to food in response to my stress and insecurity instead of trusting in God and His unconditional love for me.

This weekend I have been thinking so much about freedom in Christ. Last night I went to a park with a couple friends and we went to swing on the swing set. I didn't realize that it would be such a powerful moment for me. The last time I sat on a swing, I was too large to be able to propel myself and actually swing. I was up SO high and I felt this indescribable sense of freedom. I was so moved that I started crying. There were so many things I couldn't do when I was obese and I was a slave to my food addiction.

A coworker recently asked me if I had a Bucket List. I admit I have not seen the movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, but the idea of making a list has always intrigued me. I am not going to make a "Bucket List", but instead I think I am going to make a "Freedom List". The list will contain things I might want to do now that I am free from the physical bondage of my weight and free in my relationship with God. I have prayed and will continue to pray about this.

Sleep Deprivation

So I worked through my 30th Birthday and made some really crucial discoveries. I really love my job but I hope I can get away from doing as many night shifts soon.

Boy am I ever tired today. Not just tired...exhausted. I have no ambition whatsoever. I am too restless to sleep but too tired to do too much. I get so screwed up and sleep deprived that I start continuous munching or not eating properly. I think that I subconsciously believe that it will wake me up and make me feel better. Food is a source of comfort for a lot of people. I used eating to deal with depression, anxiety and stress in my life. Now I primarily deal with it when I feel tired. I am happy to say that I have never been hung over but from what I've been told I think what I feel after I work my night shifts is pretty similar! It's the same as jet lag. I've been reading a little bit about circadian rhythms and how our own body's time clock works. I'm seeing more and more that what shift workers do to themselves is really horrible. This will be even more challenging for me if I train towards a competitive event. I know God has His hand in this so He'll help me deal with everything that comes my way. There's a possibility I could be doing less night shifts as the fall approaches anyway.

Gotta get up and get out of this slump! Gotta literally FORCE myself to move or I won't do anything today! I'm thinking about the song by Thousand Foot Krutch "Move". It's the song I would use for a bodybuilding routine if I ever decided to go all out!

Move and show me what you can do
When you step into the circle and shake like we do
Move when you just can't take it
And move if you just feel like breaking it

Turning 30....a new era!

So, three days until my 30th Birthday, and I'm SO excited! Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but truth be told, I honestly never thought I would actually live to be 30. Since I joined Simply for Life last year, I really feel like I am finally gaining the life I always aspired to have. My weight loss was what motivated me to be able to face my fears. I now think about myself and how unhealthy I was and I feel this incredible freedom! I pray I live a long full life now. Thirty is only the beginning!

Had my last appointment at Simply For Life...at least for the time being. Not really the best of visits. I had gained a bit from eating unhealthy this past week. One of the coolest things about SFL is that I now really know my body and how to listen to what your body needs. I struggle, but I'm still learning more about what my body needs with training and what foods and emotions trigger me to binge or just eat unhealthy. I'm really going to know my body WELL by the time I get ready to do a show!

Feeling my muscles again today. My legs...especially my right one, are sore and I could barely walk up the stairs to work today. Plus I am a little bloated from the weight gain. I still made myself walk the stairs. Walked up and down several floors over the course of the day. I refuse to take the elevator anymore. I feel so great, even with this soreness. It's a good feeling...knowing the muscles are growing. I just wish I could see my abs. I can feel 'em though! That's something I guess!

Confused

One of the major things I've been learning about my life is that it's okay to be confused.

I'm excited about the idea of training and I'm so happy with how my life has changed for the better. There are still SO many issues and thoughts I have difficulties sorting through. I've been dealing with a lot of confusion in the past couple weeks. Anxiety about my relationships and anxieties about training, not being able to get my body to do what is necessary to be able to compete. I still struggle with food becoming my crutch...especially when I'm overtired as I am tonight. I REALLY dread working my night shifts...not because of the shifts themselves, but the fact that it takes me a couple days to fully recover. It's like weekly jet lag...only without the trip! I become an emotional basketcase when I'm overtired! I worked Saturday overnight and I still feel like crap today.

I need to keep reminding myself that God is in complete control over EVERYTHING!!!! He is going to be there in the physical changes that occur in my body with training. There are SO many directions that my life could take right now! When we put God first in our lives, everything eventually comes together. He knows exactly where my path is headed even if I have absolutely no clue! I therefore praise God for my confusion and uncertainty, because it means the potential possibilities for my life are limitless!

Now, something REALLY EXCITING...it's exactly one week until my 30th Birthday! I'm actually bursting with anticipation!! Unfortunately I have to work night shifts so I will spend my whole big day sleeping! Therefore, I am going to need something EXTRA EXCITING to do to celebrate!! I'm going to need suggestions.

I've been thinking about making "The List". You know the lists people make of the things people want to be able to do before they die or turn a certain age? They always seemed a little corny to me, but I have all these new things I think I want to do that I couldn't do before. Hmmmm....we'll see.

Reflections of an overtired nurse!

I haven't been feeling all that well, but I am feeling MUCH better tonight. Strangely enough, going to the gym in the afternoon was therapeutic for me. I find now I feel almost worse if I don't get out and train on a regular basis. I just know I have to go easier and not push myself TOO hard when I'm tired or sick.

I'm up late tonight to prepare for my three night shifts...sigh. Night shifts are particularly rough for me to get my body switched around to doing. The biggest challenges are getting adequate sleep and eating right. One of the few drawbacks to being a nurse in my opinion. I know people who love working overnight...not me anymore!

Been thinking about how my life has changed so dramatically. I am now so much more confident in who I am as a person and I don't shy away from taking action. My 30th Birthday is fast approaching and I can't wait! I joke about getting old sometimes but honestly I feel younger now than I have in years! Physically, that is. Mentally...well...I just hope I don't get too much more forgetful. I think I'm just juggling a lot of stuff in my head. That's my excuse anyway!

I think I've stayed up late enough!

Hungry

Having a rough couple days. I feel FAMISHED, but I'm not sure how much of it is hunger for food because of my training and how much is hunger for the God who wants me to grow closer to Him. I have also been getting caught up in my anxieties and I lapse into the old coping mechanisms. Sometimes I start eating and can't stop. My friend/trainer likens it to a switch that gets turned on and you can't turn it off. It's very common, but a disturbing feeling for me. I still have this very real fear of going back to who I once was, over 100 lbs ago. Food can feel like a great source of safety and comfort, but where's the real love, companionship and lasting happiness? Bad food choices often make us sick and they eventually lead to really serious health problems!

God's timing is perfect. This afternoon, when I was completely frustrated, He gave me something really amazing and I'm confident I'll be back on track again! What I love about doing this blog is that it keeps me honest and humble, and I hope that it will be a motivation to those who read it. I pray that God uses this blog in a powerful way.

God Moments...

I had an AMAZING night. God spoke to me and is continuing to speak to me. I can barely make sense of it all. It is such an awesome thing to have a God who knows exactly what we need. There's so much that I could type but it just wouldn't do justice to how I feel right now. The greatest challenge, not just in training, but in life, is to keep on the path that God has set out for me. I know that God has some amazing plans for my life. I need only fix my eyes on the Author and Finisher of the life I lead. I want to be continually Holy Spirit filled and used by God to accomplish His will in my life.

I have been struggling with healthy eating for awhile now. Even though I have lost weight, the unhealthy food addiction is still a struggle. What had finally got through to my head now is that if God's plan for me is bodybuilding and keeping my body pure, eating unhealthy and abusing my body is in complete contradiction to following His will. I'm not really living if I allow food to run my life.

This song is going to be my anthem as I continue to follow God's will for my life!

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

("The Motions" - by Matthew West)

It's been an amazing week. I've done so much!

I've had some challenges in priorities lately. I've been asked to attend a few different things that I have had to turn down. I realize now that God is helping me be more consistent and to stay true to the things I've committed to, especially if they are things that help me grow in my faith or are areas where I will be serving others because of my love for Him.

Last weekend I went on a road trip with a couple friends of mine and I have to say, the best part of it was the driving and spending time with the girls! It is so great to spend time with Christian friends who share common interests and share the love for God that we do! I can't even begin to write all that I've learned from my vacation.

On our road trip we listened to podcasts of Aaron Stern (preacher at The Mill church in Colorado Springs), who spoke on relationships. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!! The message reminded me that I am a woman of worth...worth dying for. Worth waiting for a man of integrity who is becoming more and more like the God he serves. I won't settle for anything less!I just went to a Women Who Worship conference yesterday. Speakers Rebecca St. James and Gloria Gaither each reinforced truth of how God sees us as women of worth and beauty...just as we are.

I've been single all of my life and it's a little embarrassing to admit that I've never even really dated anyone before. Never had the confidence and I always hid behind my weight and other issues that caused me to use food as a crutch. Now for the first time in my life I feel truly ready for whatever and wherever God leads me. I shouldn't really be embarrassed by my lack of experience on the dating scene. If anything, it makes me feel more pure. I've grown so much in the past year or so. I've still got so far to go but God is continually shaping me into the woman I need to become! It's such a scary but exciting process! BRING IT ON!!!!

Weakness

Man, I don't know whether it was PMS or what, but I was just CRAVING chocolate this morning. For breakfast I had Mediterranean morning mix (for those not familiar with Simply for Life...fruit mixture with yogurt cottage cheese and almonds). Then I kept snacking and had ice cream, a slice of bread and a couple flax seed cookies. A pretty large breakfast! Sometimes it just gets away from me. I went to train shortly thereafter so I probably used some of the extra calories and protein anyway.

Praise God, I didn't get into binging. Binging is one thing I struggle with and I know it will be the one thing that could hold me back as I train.

Something I truly believe is that the closer we get to God, the more we are subject to temptation because Satan is looking to trip up our witness. So, I look at every temptation as something to make me stronger as a woman of God.

Vacation!

It's officially day 3 of my new training schedule. Doing well. Feeling good. Pain is gone, but I trained my legs again today so we'll see how I feel in a couple days. I trained hard but I decreased the weight a bit because I want to be able to function at least somewhat this weekend! Getting used to how to organize my eating and exercising routine around my work schedule. I have been working at the hospital most of the weekend until yesterday and I'm so excited that today is the first day of my VACATION!!! Going on a road trip this weekend! I LOVE road trips!

Unfortunately, sometimes I come home after working several days in a row and all I see is what needs to be done around the house...stuff that didn't get done while I was working. I get ambitious but I get irritated with my family sometimes...something I am continuing to pray about. I had to take a few minutes and relax in front of the computer and write this just to reorganize my thoughts.

...I think I just need some time away from home which will happen this weekend!

I have one more thing to say. Training has NOT affected my coordination! I wish it would. Last night at supper in the cafeteria at work I put my supper tray on top of the microwave, but obviously not over far enough. It started to topple and crash to the floor. I tried to save the tray but instead my hot green tea splattered on my arm. I am now nursing a couple second degree burn spots on my left forearm!

....maybe I need a vacation from my body!

Training Torture!

Man, it's been a struggle but an awesome week! I haven't worked my legs with weights in months and I was so excited to start working them again. I started with my friend and trainer last week. I get very motivated and competitive when I work with other people. Felt great after my workout last week. However the next few days after that were....HOLY COW...pure torture! The next day my legs were stiff and sore. The day after, my legs were in pure PAIN! I was plugging high doses of Tylenol and ibuprofen to get through my day at work. I have a very physical job as an RN. Lifting patients may not be so bad just using the arms, but to lift using proper body mechanics, the legs are highly involved as well. By the end of the day I was half tempted to kick some of the patients out of their wheelchairs for my own use! Admittedly, there were even points where I considered killing my trainer! Even though I was almost in tears with pain, it was an AWESOME feeling! I loved it! To feel and know those muscles are being pushed to grow, I realize I am sculpting my body. It is an art form...a way I can worship the Lord.

Reflection: Following God's Will

It never ceases to amaze me how God can use different people and circumstances to really allow us to grow in wisdom, love and fellowship with Him. The most amazing thing is that sometimes I think I have things figured out, but then God shows me a completely different path. There's a lot of things I still need to work through in my life. God has given us all desires in our hearts and sometimes we struggle with discerning what is God's will and what is our own selfish manipulation of God's will.

Since I've lost weight, my life has been totally turned upside down. I'm not a different person, but rather I am becoming the person that was always inside struggling to get out...the confident woman of God that I have been scared to face. I used my weight as a cage and locked myself in, using food to suppress traumatic things in my childhood. I know I'm not alone in saying that there is often something underlying addictions that we don't want to deal with. Things in our past whether physical/sexual abuse, bullying, illness, death, family issues, other traumas and stress, they all can be suppressed. The Lord is the Ultimate Counselor, Healer and Friend. He loves us and can help us overcome any or all these issues once we surrender them all at His feet. What a feeling of FREEDOM!

Now more than ever, I am ready to follow through with physical training!

My Life, My Body, God's Will, His Temple

I am sitting here in my living room praying for the right words to say. I started a blog once before but was never consistent. My life has changed so dramatically in the last year and a half that I scarce know where to even begin. I am hoping that by blogging I will gain more insight into who I am and maybe even perhaps provoke whoever ends up reading this to really stop and consider who they are and who they are becoming! Life is full of so many uncertainties. There is one certainty in life and He wants to get to know us and show us His will for our lives. However, it is in those uncertainties that make this world so interesting. Serendipitous events show us God's hand in our lives. Thus has been my world for the past year and a half. I need to tell my back story. For more info, you can refer to my previous unfinished blog.

In February of 2007 I weighed in at 298 lbs and felt the worst I had ever felt in my life. I had prayed for God to be able to help me to lose weight for years and struggled with yo yo dieting. I was disillusioned ready to give up on life. I joined Simply For Life that month and within the first 2 weeks I knew that God was finally answering my prayer. In only 5 months I lost just over 100 lbs and in total I have lost 130-135 lbs.

Now I am moving towards a new goal. I believe the next step God has for me is training and possibly moving towards a bodybuilding figures competition. I started more intense training in January and tonight I had my first official meeting with my personal trainer. I am very excited. I was so mistaken about bodybuilding. It is only about vanity if you make it about vanity. For many it is about diligence and making your body the best it can be. For me, it is taking care of my body and making it the healthiest I can as a form of worship to God.

I Corinthians 6:19-20 states:
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Romans 12:1-2 states:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.